


101 Ways to Kill (or Make Fun of) a Death Eater ~ and Enjoy it

by mimia108



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Fun, Humor, Not Canon Compliant, Not Epilogue Compliant, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-09-09 05:27:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8877748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mimia108/pseuds/mimia108
Summary: Hermione and Severus with help from some very special friends have decided to write a comical book on "101 Ways to Kill (or Make Fun of) a Death Eater".  This is their take on what might have been fun ways to take them out.  No Death Eaters were actually harm in the telling of this story (although some should have been)  Reformed Death Eaters do have a sense of humor...who knew!  Christmas song parodies because it's tis the season to be jolly!  Just plain old silly fun :)





	1. Run Run Lucius

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Desert_Sea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Desert_Sea/gifts), [Marriage1988](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marriage1988/gifts), [SouthernBelle50Plus](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=SouthernBelle50Plus).



> This is what happens when the comment section on one of Desert_Sea's wonderful stories takes on a life of it's own. Will have more chapters as the inspiration hits and more pairings with special cameo appearances by the "M" team. Inspiration hits in many different ways with me...just giving you fair warning :) Will include our lovely Severus & Hermione as well. So sit back and enjoy!!

**Run Run Lucius**

 

Out of all the Death Eaters  
You know you're the mastermind  
Run run Lucius  
Severus ain't too far behind  
  
Run run Lucius  
The "M" team is coming to town  
Severus make them hurry  
It's time to take this menace down  
Run run Lucius  
'Cause we're reelin' like a merry go round  
  
Said Severus to Hermione  
Girl what have you been longing for  
All I want for Christmas is   
"You" and Lucius strung up on the castle door  
And then away went the "M" team  
Whizzin' like a shootin' star  
  
Run run Lucius  
The "M" team has come to town  
Severus make them hurry  
It's time to make him look like a clown   
Run run Lucius  
'Cause we're reelin' like a merry go round

Said Hermione to Severus  
Baby what would please you most to get  
A little baby with you and Lucius getting soaking wet  
And then away went the "M" team  
Whizzin' like a saber jet  
  
Run run Lucius  
The "M" teams  already made it to town  
Severus make them hurry  
Tell them it's time for them to take him down  
Run run Lucius  
'Cause we're reelin' like a merry go round  
  
Run run Lucius

Ya better run run Lucius  
  
Run run Lucius  
Run run run Lucius  
  
Run run  
Run run run Lucius  


(Song is Run Run Rudolph by Chuck Berry)


	2. Who ya gonna call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ones for you "M" team members!! Captains of the "M" team: Severus and Hermione :) We are always looking for more members to help rid the world of "positively prime evil" death eaters...come join the fun and be one of the team!!

**Who ya gonna call**

 

"M" team members...

  
If there's somethin' strange in your neighborhood  
Who ya gonna call ("M" team members)  
If it's somethin' weird an it don't look good  
Who ya gonna call ("M" team members)  
  
We ain't afraid of no death eaters  
We ain't afraid of no death eaters  
If you're seein' things runnin' thru your head  
Who can you call ("M" team members)  
A slimy man sneakin' in your bed  
Oh who ya gonna call ("M" team members)

  
We ain't afraid of no death eaters  
We ain't afraid of no death eaters  
Who ya gonna call ("M" team members)  
If you're all alone send an owl  
An call ("M" team members)  
  
We ain't afraid of no death eaters  
I hear they like the muggleborn girls  
We ain't afraid of no death eaters  
Who you gonna call ("M" team members)  
Mm... if you've had a dose  
Of a freaky death eater  
You better call "M" team members  
Bustin' and hexin' makes us feel good  
We ain't afraid of no death eaters

  
Don't get caught alone oh no... "M" team members  
When they come through your door  
Unless you've just got some more  
We think you better call "M" team members  
Ooh... who you gonna call ("M" team members)  
Who you gonna call ("M" team members)  
Ah, We think you better call ("M" team members)  
  
We can't hear you... ("M" team members)  
Who you gonna call ("M" team members)  
Louder "M" team members  
Who you gonna call ("M" team members)  
Who you can call "M" team members... (till fade)

 

(Song is Ghostbusters Theme Song by Ray Parker, Jr. )


	3. Giant Squid vs Death Eaters

Giant Squid vs Death Eaters

 

As Severus and Hermione and members of the "M" team enjoyed a picnic at the Black Lake ~ they were excited to observe what would happen to Death Eaters when they went up against the Giant Squid.  Here is what they learned

 

Did you know:

 

1\.  That death eaters make loud squealing noises when their arms and legs are pulled apart

 

2\.  That death eaters can hold their breath under water for only 15.6 seconds

 

3\.  That using death eaters as a skipping stones actually works

 

4\.  That dropping death eaters from a height of 100ft has a 97% belly flop ratio

 

5\.  That using death eaters for batting practice ~ doesn't usually end well

 

6\.  That death eaters don't bounce

 

7\.  That death eaters scream like a girl when they are chewed on...good to know

 

8\.  That baby squids enjoy using death eaters as a teething rings

 

9\.  That baby squids also enjoy using death eaters as cuddle buddies

 

10\.  That death eaters actually make great gifts to give to your mate

 

11\.  That death eaters only last about 36.7 seconds before they pass out from being squeezed

 

12\.  That death eaters can't out swim a giant squid even when given a head start

 

13\.  That death eaters are poor sports when they lose

 

14\.  That death eaters playing dead doesn't fool the giant squid

 

15\.  That baby squids don't mind sharing their death eater with others

 

16\.  That death eaters make great babysitters for baby squids ~ they keep them occupied for hours

 

17\.  That death eaters don't like being used for bait

 

18\.  That pissing off the giant squid doesn't usually end well for the death eater

 

19\.  That stepping on the giant squid's tentacle causes a very bad reaction and causes horrendous pain for the death eater

 

20\.  That begging for ones life just makes the giant squid laugh

 

There you have it.  Giant Squid vs Death Eater is a no brainer.  The squid wins tentacles down!  Guess I really really wouldn't want to be a death eater facing off against a giant squid.  However, it does make for great entertainment when you're having a picnic by the lake. 


	4. Severus ~ The Black Haired Spy

**Severus ~ The Black Haired Spy**

 

You know Lucius and Draco and Nott and Belletrix,  
Yaxley and Carrow and Crabbe and Goyle.,  
But do you recall?  
The most famous secret death eater of all?  
  
Severus the black haired spy  
Had a very distinguished nose,  
And if you ever saw it,  
You would even say it was large.  
All of the death eaters   
Used to laugh and call him names;  
They never let poor Severus   
Join in any death eater games.  
  
Then one foggy Christmas Eve,  
Voldemort came to say,  
Severus with your nose so distracting,  
Won't you lead my attack tonight?  
  
Then how the death eaters feared him  
As they shouted out in pure terror,  
Severus the black haired spy,  
You'll go down in history,  
as defeating the one that never should have lived again

So how does an ex-death eater, secret spy take down all the other death eaters?  He leads them all into a trap ~ a trap so perfectly planned that it catches them so off guard that they can't even fathom that they were defeat by Severus and his merry band of "M" team members.  

To find out what the trap was...stay tuned for the next chapter  

(Song is Rudolph the red nose reindeer)

 

 


	5. Spotted Crumbled Hornbacks

 

So what kind of plan is a plan that leaves Death Eaters speechless?!

Pull up a chair and let me tell you what happens when a surly, intelligent, and devilishly delicious ex-death eater named Severus and his equally brilliant wife, Hermione along with their friends come together to form the ultimate plan.

Ever wonder what happens on the second full moon ~ that's a blue moon in the month June?

Well ~ it is such a rare occurrence that there hasn't been one in the last 100 years.

Are you wondering what that rare occurrence is?

Let me enlighten you.

As our dear Hermione is the queen of research she has spent the last several months looking for an event that when it takes place it will have the optimal effect of rendering the Death Eaters immobile and clearing incapable of even the most basic thoughts.

So on a blue moon in the month of June ~ the usually docile fantastic beast that is the Spotted Crumbled Hornback becomes a raving, homicidal, love machine.

Not just any love machine either ~ nope this gentle beast becomes obsessed with what ever creature it finds and proceeds to let's just say ~ they have their way with whomever and whatever they find in their way.

When Severus, Hermione and the "M" team laid their trap and trust me they laid it well

Our dear death eaters were in for the surprise of their lives when they found themselves in the forest surrounded by a herd of Spotted Crumbled Hornbacks with only one thing on their agenda

Yes I will leave the rest to your vivid imaginations but let's just say that

I honestly don't think any of them will forget that moment for a long long time.

Would you like to add to their anxiety?

Play the song "Can you feel the love tonight" or "Love is in the air"

If those don't work try "Barry White's All time Greatest Love Songs" these are sure to do it 

It sends them into a well earned tizzy and they run screaming

Do I feel bad?

Oh hell no

Couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of guys...karma is a bitch

Remember what goes round comes round

and the best plans are the ones you make with your friends.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to KIT-10 NOT K-9 for the additional songs ~ they are perfect!!


	6. Hey Severus

Hey Severus  
  
If everyday was Christmas  
If we could make believe  
If everyone would give a little more  
There'd be harmony  
  
The castle is covered in snow tonight  
The children are fast asleep  
I'm waiting for you but you're nowhere in sight  
And I wonder if you can hear me  
  
Hey Severus!  
Hey Severus! Severus  
I wish with all my might  
Hey Severus!  
Hey Severus! Severus  
Get your butt home tonight.  
  
Why does it feel like it's colder than a dementor  
Even by the fireside  
You said that you'd be home for Christmas  
But now it's almost midnight  
The Christmas lights up and down the halls are   
Such a sight to see  
But all the presents by the tree  
They don't mean a thing Severus if you're not here with me

Hey Severus!  
Hey Severus! Severus  
I wish with all my might  
Hey Severus!  
Hey Severus! Severus  
Won't you hurry because I need you tonight.  
  
I know your busy whomping on death eaters  
But won't you stop and give it a break  
Continue the fight another night  
I'm waiting here by candlelight  
The Christmas lights up and down the halls are  
Such a sight to see  
But all the presents by the tree  
They don't mean a thing till you're with me

Severus hear me tonight!  
  
The Christmas lights up and down the halls  
The presents by the tree  
I hear a knock oh can it be  
My wish is staring back at me  
  
Hey Severus!  
Hey Severus! Severus  
I guess you heard me tonight, yeah  
Hey Severus!  
Hey Severus! Severus  
I'm underneath the mistletoe with my dark sexy beast tonight  
  
Sleigh ride...Sleigh ride...

  
Sleigh ride...Sleigh ride...

  
Sleigh ride...Sleigh ride...

It's Christmas

  
Sleigh ride...Sleigh ride...

My baby's home with me tonight

Merry Christmas!!

**Song: Hey Santa by Carnie & Wendy Wilson


	7. Death by Chocolate

This is what happens when the "M" team goes under cover at a Death Eater wedding

 

The news spread like wild fire ~ there was going to be a wedding

and not just any wedding but a death eater wedding

Severus and Hermione were scheming that this would be the perfect way to take them all down

Bring in one ~ SouthernBelle50plus and her merry band of assistants: Desert_Sea, Marriage1988 and Mimia108

"M" team members willing to take on the stinking, nasty, horrid, obnoxious (you get the idea) foul of the earth

Wedding planner extraordinaire with a little help from her friends

Severus and Hermione planted the bug

unknowingly to our unexpecting death eaters (I think they are getting soft)

"Having a wedding ~ need a wedding planner ~ need a cake" ~ owl SouthernBelle50plus as she's your girl!

The snare was set and predictably they took the bait ~ hook, line and sinker

 

They hired our dear SouthernBelle and her fun loving assistants 

The plan was hatched - how do you do in a death eater at a wedding

'Death by Chocolate' of course

and not just any chocolate as our SouthernBelle is famous for her

"Chocolate Waterfall Cake"

ummmmmmmm - it is to die for!!!

My mouth is watering right now just thinking about it

 

So the day of the wedding came

Our girls were in position

Severus and Hermione were incognito posing as wedding guests

The Chocolate Waterfall Cake was brought in

Fun was being had by all including our girls and the Snapes

Just waiting for "cut the cake" time

Gosh it was taking forever though

 

It finally arrived

It was time to cut the cake

The cake was cut

and what do you think happened my friends

That's right - that cake was just so incredibly moist and was a dark chocolaty masterpiece

that as the death eaters began to eat ~ you could hear moans and groans as they went into a

Dark chocolate cake stupor

They couldn't get enough and ate more and more

and before long they were all passed out in a "death by chocolate" coma

 

We might have forgotten to put the warning label on the cake

Only eat in moderation - has been known to cause death

or at least leave one unconscious from too much overindulgence

We are not held responsible if you overindulge

 

So the morale of this story is: If you are going to eat a piece of one of SouthernBelle's overly, sinfully delicious

'Chocolate Waterfall Cakes' make sure you don't eat yourself into a coma

but if you do just know eventually you'll come around

It only took the death eaters 2 weeks

 

SouthernBelle has already been booked for 3 more death eater weddings - let the "death by chocolate" continue!! 

Guess they figure being unconscious for two weeks wasn't a bad thing...who knew

Bring it on!

 

Remember the "M" team rules and death eaters drool

 

 

 

 

 

 


	8. Old MacSeverus had a Farm

Severus was in a bit of a snit

That was probably an understatement.  He was pissed!

It seems that the Death Eaters were being royal pain in the arses...mainly his arse and he was over it.

How to get them back...

It had to be something that they couldn't see coming

Something so sneaky that well they would just be beside themselves

With a snicker Severus knew the perfect way to get his revenge.

 

So Severus went down on the farm with a plan

He came up with a spell that was absolutely brilliant

He called it the "E-I-E-I-O" spell and here's what happened

 

Severus and Hermione bought a farm

and then they invited the death eaters over one by one

 

The first to arrive was Lucius Malfoy

He had been a particular bee in Severus' bonnet so he was going to be the first

to incur Severus' wrath.

Severus came up behind Lucius and with an  "E-I-E-I-O"

**Poof**

Lucius turned into a pig with an oink oink here and an oink oink there

It was perfect

Lucius ran around his pen squealing 

Life was good

 

Next up Crabbe and Goyle

with an "E-I-E-I-O"

**Poof**

They turned into chickens

Yeah...that would work

 

Dolohov and MacNair and Yaxley

with an "E-I-E-I-O"

**Poof**

They turned into donkeys - yep

perfect because they were definitely asses

 

Draco while he could be decent once in a blue moon

had decided to torment Hermione and that just wouldn't do

and so with an "E-I-E-I-O"

**Poof**

He turned into a ferret

You knew that was coming

 

Amycus and Alecto Carrow 

well they ended up cows

with a moo here and a moo there

They spent hours running around the pastures

 

On and on it went with ducks, horses, goats

He had some of every animal and was really enjoying 

his farm with all his death eaters animals

 

Severus was saving the best for the last

so when Moldy Voldy and Bellatrix arrived to see where all the others

had gotten off to - before they knew what hit them

Severus got them with the "E-I-E-I-O"

**Poof**

They turned into hamsters - cute little cuddly hamsters (with no sharp teeth)

 

Severus and Hermione decided to go one step further and opened the farm up 

so people could come and spend time on the farm with the animals

It was a hit and the favorite attraction was ~  can you guess??

Yep - petting the hamsters because who doesn't love cute-cuddly-wuddly hamsters.

The ultimate punishment for those two I think

 

So the moral of this story is: that if you piss Severus off

you turn into an animal on his farm and the spell can't be reversed.

Let this be a lesson to all those who thought it would be a good idea

but are just now one of the many cute attractions on

Old MacSeverus' Farm 


	9. Chaos on the Hogwarts Express

It was a week before the children would board the Hogwarts Express to take them back for another school year.

 

**_Spinner's End - Cokeworth - Meeting with the "M" team_ **

 

Severus and Hermione were meeting with Desert, Marriage, SouthernBelle and me for the last time before we boarded the Hogwarts Express - in disguise to escort the dunderheads (I meant children - Severus smirked) back to Hogwarts.  Over the month of August we had met regularly to discuss strategies on how to protect the children when they returned.  The Death Eaters were getting restless and we were concerned that they being the Death Eaters that they were, would not hesitate to attack a train full of children.  So we being us devised a sinister plan to counterattack whatever they would try (and I do mean try - unsuccessfully of course) to do.

Severus, being the brilliant potion master that he is, had been working on a potion that when we drank it would turn us into a 17 year old version of ourselves.  That way we could seamlessly blend in with the other students and no one would be the wiser.  Severus and Hermione had gathered us some new robes and uniforms as it had been awhile since we were students and we need new ones.  The plan was coming together. Desert and I were Slytherins while Marriage and SouthernBelle were Gryffindors. Yep, we defied the odds and the 4 of us had become the best of friends.  Who said that Slytherins and Gryffindors couldn't get along.  We get along just fine, we are 4 peas in a pod.  

Hermione being the "insufferable know-it-all swot" that she is had spent the last few weeks working on charms to put around the cabins to ward off any spells that the Death Eaters would be using.  We were smart enough to know that they would not be playing fair - Death Eaters do not under any circumstance follow the rules.  Therefore in the scheme of things we were force to think like a death eater - yuck!  They are truly nasty on their good days and totally perverted on their worst.  Moving along now.  Hermione's charms, would if they worked correctly and does anyone really want to bet against Hermione?  Ummm...no, I didn't think so.  Her charms would cause said evil Death Eater to revert into their 5 year old self.  It was so incredibly brilliant and the only way they could turn back was if Severus gave them the anti-dote potion, which Severus being Severus, I have a feeling that he won't be in any hurry to do that.  Awwww...pity!  Evil laughing ensues!  Girls just gotta have fun now!

With a few minor adjustments and add-ons, we were ready!  Us girls, excitedly gathered our robes and uniforms and headed out the door.  It had been quite awhile since we had boarded the Hogwarts Express to travel to Hogwarts and we were beyond excited!  Not even the threat of stupid, full of themselves, death eaters could diminish our giddiness.  Life is good for us!!  We happily walked away from Spinner's End talking excitedly about what was to come.  Another adventure for the "M" team on their continuing quest to rid our world of obnoxious as hell Death Eaters.

 

**_Early morning hours - September 1st - Platform 9 3/4 - Hogwarts Express_ **

 

As the first light of day broke over the city - 6 figures made their way to Platform 9 3/4.  Their mission to ensure that all children that boarded the train that day made it safely to Hogwarts.  It was no small task as children will be children and in Severus very much opinionated mind, they were complete dunderheads almost **all** of the time. It would be a miracle if they all made it there safely.  

We had met up at Spinner's End to drink the potion.  It tasted awful, to which Severus gave us a hearty laugh and informed us that it isn't suppose to taste good.  To say going back to your 17 year old self isn't a shock to your system is a total understatement.   We all did have a good laugh as we check each other out...ah the memories, but we all stopped laughing when we turned around and saw Severus reverted back into his 17 year old self.  So...older Severus is sexy as sin and can melt butter on a hot summer day, but 17 year old Severus, well let's just say he could melt icebergs in the dead of winter in Antarctica. We all just stood there trying our very hardest not to drool or swoon.  We knew we had been caught when Severus' eyebrow raised in that, "Oh really" and then the smirk of doom appeared on his lips.  Okay...so 17 year old Severus is totally swoon worthy, just ask any of us.  Damn, Hermione!!  She is one lucky girl! So it's totally not fair because how are we suppose to concentrate on the mission when Severus is looking like a dark sexy beast.  We just shook our heads (trying to get them to clear -  we were finding it rather difficult) as we headed to the station.  

Once we arrived Severus had us split up in groups - Desert and I headed to the Slytherin and luggage compartments, while Marriage and SouthernBelle headed for Gryffindors.  Severus and Hermione would handle the front compartments and Huffpuff's.  When we were finished with the ones we were working on we would all meet up at the Ravenclaws compartments.  We worked for the better part of the hour and when we were done we all met up to make sure that we didn't miss anything.  Severus was just coming back from securing the Engine as it would be really bad if the Death Eaters were able to take control of it.  He put a more powerful spell on the engine so that it would repel any death eater that attempted to take it over.  It would instantly take them to a holding cell in Hogsmeade where Aurors Proudfoot and Savage would be waiting for them.  The charms were conveniently tethered to the dark mark so there would be no mistaking who the charm was meant to zap.  Severus had years ago invented a potion (of course) that rendered his dark mark, null and void!  Did I mention that Severus is absolutely brilliant. Well...he is!!  We all confirmed that every inch of the Hogwarts Express was now under the charms and it was now safe.  We all relaxed for a bit and discussed strategies to make sure our game plan was in place.  We were confident that we had thought of everything and if something did slip by we would be able to counter attack it.  Now all we had to do was wait for the children and for the train to start its yearly journey to Hogwarts.  

Soon the children started to arrive and board the train.  Oh my, was it always this frickin' loud.  Desert and I chuckled as we made our way down to the Slytherin compartments.  We were given curious looks but no one questioned us as we were wearing our prefect badges.  The added plus was the admiring looks from the older boys as we were quite cute and adorable as our 17 year old selves and why not flirt a little.  A girl has to take advantage of a situation when one can :)  

At exactly 11:00, the whistle sounded and off we went.  We were on high alert to anything that might appear out of the ordinary.  The charmed wards would tell us immediately if a death eater boarded the train.  It was the not knowing when or how that was causing us to be a wee bit paranoid.  We were watching the amusing antics going on in the Slytherin compartments when Severus approached us.  He warned us to be extra diligent as we approached the upcoming tunnels.  It would be the perfect opportunity for the death eaters to attack.  We wondered if it would be beneficial for us to locked down the compartments before we entered the tunnels as it would keep any stray kids from getting caught in the crossfire.  Severus left to talk to Remus Lupin, who was also on board if things got crazy.  Remus agreed with Severus that it would be best and that as they neared the tunnels he would make the announcement for all children to remain in their compartments until they were told they could leave them.  Absolutely no exceptions or the offender would spend the first month of school in detention with Filch.  Yep...that should keep them in their cars because really who in their right mind would want a month's detention with Filch!  Not me!!

 

 

 _ **Nearing the tunnel** _  

 

A mile from the tunnel we ushered all the children into their compartments and reminded them with one word: **Filch** that under no circumstances, no matter what happened, they were not to leave their compartments.  This was it and we were as ready as we were ever going to be.  Desert and I wished everyone good luck and headed back toward the Slytherin cars to wait.  Our wands at the ready we waited to see if all our planning would be successful.

Lucius Malfory and his merry band of Death Eaters were waiting.  They had been planning the attack on the Hogwarts Express for months.  Their plan was foolproof.  The unsuspecting children wouldn't know what had hit them and there would be chaos in Hogsmeade when the train didn't arrive.  It was perfect and no one could stop him!!  Bahahahaaaa!!  With an evil smirk on his face, Lucius was already tasting the sweet victory of success. Haha - yes there would be chaos but it wasn't going to be in Hogsmeade.  

As the train entered the tunnel - we felt the wards shutter and we knew that our assumption had been correct.  There were Death Eaters on board.  The faint lights illuminated the corridors of the cars.  Desert and I careful watched to see where they would appear at.  The first ones landed in front of us and before they could get their bearings we shot hexes at them - throwing them into the charmed wards.  Standing before us were two 5 year old boys that were looking quite put out.  Quickly so they wouldn't be injured in the chaos the was breaking out all over the cars we sent the spell at them that would apparate them straight to the holding cell in Hogsmeade and into the waiting hands of Aurors Proudfoot and Savage.  Oh to see the looks on their faces would be utterly priceless, but we had no time to think about that as more death eaters were entering our area with hexes flying.

 

**_Meanwhile in Hogsmeade at the holding cells_ **

 

Aurors Proudfoot and Savage were waiting around to see if the threat that the "M" team had perceived was an actual threat.  They were discussing events when all of sudden there was flash and in the holding cell there appeared two 5 year old boys.

Proudfoot looked at Savage and calmly said, "You owe me a drink".  

Savage looking equally shocked just nodded his head and agreed.  "How the fuck does he do that" Savage asked.

Proudfoot just laughed and said, "I told you - Snape is a fucking genius.  The sooner you get through your head the better off you'll be!"  

Savage again could do nothing but shake his head in agreement.  "You're right the man never disappoints does he." 

"No, he doesn't.  Just when I think he can't surprise me, he comes up with something even more outrageous.  The man knows no bounds"  Proudfoot smirked, "Okay, we better concentrate here as I have a feeling that this is only the beginning.  We better call in reinforcements."

With that they sent their patronus' off to bring in more help.  Just as their eagle and mountain lion took off to bring in more help, there were more flashes bringing in more 5 year old kids.  They were definitely going to need more help.

 

_**Back on the Hogwarts Express** _

 

Hexes - spells and a few unmentionables were flying in every direction.  Hermione, Severus and Remus were holding off the Death Eaters at the front of the train.  Marriage and SouthernBelle were giving them a run for their money in the middle of the train.  SouthernBelle sent off a hex of her own creation, which immediately render the death eater helpless as tentacles came out of his back and wrapped around him leaving him totally at SB's mercy.  She immediately threw him into the wards turning him into a 5 year old and raising her hand with a twist and a flash away he went.  Marriage was dueling what looked like the Lestrange brothers, nasty pieces of work those two were, she had finally had enough so she threw her spell that knocked out their shields and in a beat of her heart sent them both full force into the wards shrinking them down to 5 years old boys and with a flick of her hand sent them on their way.

Desert and I had our hands full at the back of the train with 6 death eaters that were honestly total dunderheads.  Desert looked at me and I nodded.  We grabbed hands and let our spell fly sending a force field of epic proportions straight at them, which in turn sent all 6 flying through the air and into the wards reducing them to whining little 5 years old.  Smirking at each other we sent them on their way to Proudfoot and Savage who by this time had their reinforcements and right around 30 former death eaters that were now whining, crying, and well pretty dang miserable 5 year olds.  

Crabbe and Goyle had been working their way up to the engine in their bid to take control.  As soon as they both touch the engine they were bounced off, reduced to 5 year olds and sent spinning into a holding cell. Looking at each other with a shocked expression and then wondering where they had landed, both boys began to cry and ask for their mummies.

Lucius had been fighting Severus for what had seemed like hours.  He was losing and he was trying not to lose his concentration, but he was wondering all the same, where the hell in hades were the other death eaters. They seem to be disappearing at an alarming rate.  He should have known not to lose his focus because at that very moment Severus hit him with a new spell (Dammit!!  He must have invented another one!!  Curse that bastard!!).  The spell sent Lucius flying right into the wards and in the blink of an eye he stood before Severus and Remus as a 5 year old boy.  Remus chuckled and said, "Look at him - he even had long hair at 5!"  Lucius just stared at the 2 men before him.  What in the world of all things evil had happened to him.  Bloody hell - this wasn't going to end pretty!!  Nope, Lucius you are right on that!  Taking one more look at him, Severus flicked his hand and Lucius was on his way to the holding cell in Hogsmeade.

By the time we had fought - hexed - thrown them into the wards - shrunk them all to 5 years old and sent them packing to the holding cells - the train was almost to Hogsmeade.  I don't think any of us were ever so grateful for it to be over.  We all collapsed in an empty car and just relaxed.  We had earned it.  My body was aching and I hurt all over.  I had taken a rather nasty hex to my side during the battle.  While I was examining it - Severus came over and gently healed it. I would need a healing paste when we got to Hogwarts, but I would live to fight another day.  Severus checked out the other girls and healed their bruises and minor injuries.  We all let out a sigh at the same time.  I know we were all thinking the same thing.  Damn - we were all going to miss 17 year old Severus.

 

**_Arriving in Hogsmeade_ **

 

The rest of the journey was uneventful and we arrived in Hogsmeade on time.  Not one child had been injured and poor Filch wouldn't be having anyone in detention.  Bummer that.  Hagrid met and corralled the first years and headed them to the boats.  The rest of the children headed for the carriages that would take them to the castle.  The 7 of us (don't forget Remus) headed to the building that had the holding cells that would be filled with 5 year old death eaters.  Oh the irony.  As we entered the building we all stopped dead in our tracks.  There before us were cells full of screaming, crying, pitiful little death eaters.  Okay...I'm bad but the sight was just too funny not to laugh at!  We all started laughing and couldn't stop.  We all had tears in our eyes and that was when Alastor Moody came up to us and slapped Severus on the back telling him what a great job we had done and that he was buying drinks later!  We agreed and told him we would meet him at the Three Broomsticks around 9. After all we had been invited to attend the feast at Hogwarts and who could refuse an offer like that.  Not us for sure.  We checked in with Proudfoot, who shook Severus' hand and told him that he was absolutely brilliant. Savage came up and shook his hand and told him that he had learned his lesson and that he would never doubt him again.  Good thing, too.  We didn't want to have to teach him a lesson the hard way.  Moral to the story...never doubt Severus...ever!  Once we reported in and check to make sure everything that need to be handle had been done, we told them we would see them later and off we headed to the castle.

 

_**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry - Potions Lab** _

 

We arrived at the castle feeling a little overwhelmed.  It had been years since the 4 of us had been here as students and just being here brought back a whole mountain of memories that came flooding back.  Maybe it was because we were still our 17 year old selves and we were in our robes and uniforms.  Whatever the reason the 4 of us just stood there taking it all in and reminiscing about all the fun we had.  Smiles bloomed on our faces. We had bucked the system way back then.  2 Slytherins - 2 Gryffindors best friends until the very end!  It was then that Severus and Hermione motioned us to follow them to the dungeons.  They both were sporting a very mysterious smirk that left us wondering what the two of them were up to.  I guess we'll find out soon enough because we were following them after all.

When we arrived at the Potion’s classroom, Severus ushered us in and closed the door behind us.  Then he warded the room and cast a silencing charm on it.  The 4 of us just looked at each wondering what this was all about.  Hermione walked up to us with a big grin on her face and proceeded to tell us that they wanted to do something special for us because the “M” team wouldn’t be the “M” team without us.  Severus had consented, most agreeably, (Hermione had laughed) to bestow upon each of us a “kiss”!  It’s a good thing that Hermione or Severus didn’t have a camera at that moment because in one sweep all of our mouth’s drop opened and we were gapping like fishes.  Now, that would have been quite the picture.  So we all huddled together and decided that SouthernBelle should go first as she was the one that was always mentioning Severus and how kissable his lips were.  Yeah…we all had it bad.  It’s a very good thing that Hermione liked us as well as she did.  It was all in good fun.  Severus was the best and we all knew it!!  The fact that Hermione was willing to do this for us told all of us just how much she trusted us.  We would not dishonor that trust for anything.

SouthernBelle took a deep breath and made her way to the front to stand in front of Severus.  Going by how all of us were feeling at this moment it was easy to see the hitch in her breathe and how she was shaking just the tiniest bit.  As Severus raised his hand to put on her cheek and told her how much he appreciated everything that she did for the “M” team – she leaned into him and we all held our breathe as his lips met hers.  Time seemed to stand still as SouthernBelle wrapped her arms around Severus’ neck to hold herself in place.  If she was dreaming she never wanted to wake up.  SouthernBelle being the brave one pulled him closer as she deepen the kiss.  She had decided if this was a one time thing she was going to make the most of it and well…she did.  We all watched and sighed.  Yeah, this was heaven on earth.  When the kiss ended, SouthernBelle was speechless as she turned around and walked back to us.  The smile on Severus’ face was all we need to see to know that we were all in big trouble.  The man knew just what he did to us.  SouthernBelle took a seat as she didn’t trust her feet to hold her up any longer and with the brightest smile she said, “That was so worth it!  I think I’ve died and gone to heaven!!”

Next up was Marriage and she confidently walked to the front of the room and stood in front of Severus.  Just as he did with SouthernBelle, he raised his hand to her cheek and told her thank you for all that she does for the “M” team and then he wrapped his other arm around her back and pulled her close and descend his luscious lips on to hers.  Marriage melt into the warm embrace that Severus possessed and that was the last coherent thought that she had.  As his lips moved against hers she let slip a small moan that really – yep…that just says it all.  Desert and I just looked at each other with our “we are so dead” look.  Severus deepen the kiss and Marriage was along for the ride as she just totally lost herself in the kiss.  Severus rubbed the side of her cheek as his lips left hers and her hand went to his and all she could do was smile because well…there just aren’t any words when you’ve been kissed by the master.

Desert sucked in a deep breath and made her way to stand before Severus.  Severus wrapped his arms around her nice and tight and pulled her close to him.  She was struggling to keep her breathing normal but was failing rapidly.  Severus gave her one of his trademark smirks and as she began to relax he slowly with the utmost grace (darn him) lowered his lips to hers.   The kiss was gentle and smooth and Desert’s little noises were not helping my situation at all.  The others already knew what it was like and I still had to have my turn.  Desert moved her hands up his chest as the kiss continued and then Severus moved his hands and while still kissing her bent her back in a small dip before releasing her.  As their lips parted Desert sighed (quite loudly) and told Severus that his kiss was amazing.  As she walked back to me – I had the look of a deer caught in the headlights and she just smirked and whispered, “It’s way better than we thought”.  I knew then that I was in big trouble.   

Giving the girls one last look I turned and made my way to the front to where Severus stood.  He had his infamous smirk going on and I knew that he was enjoying every minute of this.  He knew that we would never be the same now that we had kissed him.  I wasn’t sure that was an entirely good thing at the moment but my turn had arrived and well by God I was just going to do it.  How many times had we talked about what it would be like if we were to ever kiss Mr. Tall, Dark and Sexy and here he was in his glorious 17 year old form and I was dying on the inside.  Severus took me in his arms and pulled me close and that last thought I had before his lips met mine was that I hoped I lived to see another day.  The moment his lips touched mine shooting stars blasted through the sky…fireworks were being shot off in all directions and all I could hear was the beating of our hearts.  As he moved to deepen the kiss my hands went to his head so I could run my fingers through his hair (yes…I had also dreamed about that more than once).  Time stood still…there was no time – all I could feel was his passion in that kiss and feeling as if no man would ever live up to him.  Oh well…not everyone can be super Severus.  I needed help.  His tongue moved across my bottom lip and as if it was being clued my mouth opened slightly to allow him entrance.  As our tongues played a song that only they knew I was losing the battle.  When our lips finally parted my right hand slowly moved over his heart and with words only he could hear – I simply said, “Thank you” and after I gave myself a moment to get myself composed, I turned and walked back to my friends. 

Severus came back with the potions and in seconds after we took it, we were back to our older selves.  What a day!!  As we climbed the stairs to the Great Halls and made our way in for dinner.  We all had huge smiles on our faces and some would even swear we were glowing.  We would never tell why we were.  It was our little secret.

 

_**Later at the Three Broomsticks** _

 

As everyone gathered around and celebrated our recent successful mission.  The 4 of us sat lost in our thoughts.  What...a...day!  As we looked around watching the others, we turned and looked at each other with a knowing smirk on our faces.  We took our butterbeers, raised them up and clinked them together and the 4 of us at the same time yelled, "BEST DAY EVER"!!!!  and it was!  We had lived to see another day and hopefully we wouldn't be needed for awhile but when there are death eaters around that like to misbehave, we are always needed and we can live with that.  Having been kissed by Severus was the icing on the Chocolate Waterfall Cake!!

 

_**THE END :)** _

 

 


End file.
